Stairs.

My legs are screaming from bootcamp today.

I'm waiting on an Amazon package and because I was an IDIOT and made my office in the basement, I have taken the sprint of death through a sea of spilled legos and up the stairs three times for nothing. Cardio is a bitch with a sense of humor.

Also, because I am a piss-poor planner, I made it all the way downstairs with everything I needed for the afternoon in tow, EXCEPT for my filled water bottle. And because I made a self-commitment to drink 91 ounces of water a day, I felt tremendous guilt leaving it behind.

Back up the stairs. This is time number 4, in case you have forgotten.

My PERSONAL favorite was when I had to pee. (See above, I'm drinking 91 ounces of water, my eyeballs are practically floating.) Now, I'm sore and in no position to rush anywhere at the moment. So imagine my reaction when I went into my bathroom to see that Miles had unrolled all of the remaining toilet paper like a freaking cat and stuffed it into the dirty trash can.

It was then, and only then, that I remembered I kept extra toilet paper upstairs in my linen closet...on the third floor. I'm telling you people, decisions were ALMOST made. But I made my fifth and sixth treks up the stairs, fetched the toilet paper and made it safely back down to my office.

I'm not going to lie though, the thought of sitting on my fat ass and sliding down the stairs crossed my mind on more than one occasion. 

Dear Mom.

Those of you who know me, will know that I don't air my emotional baggage all over social media. But today, on the anniversary of my mom passing away...I'm going to. She loved when I wrote, no matter what the content was. Writing has always been, and will always be, my passion and she saw that in me and encouraged me to do it. I let it fall through the cracks a lot and life gets in the way...but today I'm writing for mom - to mom.

Mama,
Today is the day where I'm brutally reminded that my world is completely turned upside down and you're not here anymore.

I've been trying to write you a letter for two years, thanking you for all of the things you did for me and reminding you of how much I loved and still love you. But you know all of that...I know you do, I can feel it. I know you're still here with me because the magic of Birthday Week is still around even though I don't get a phone call at 5:25 in the morning from you. I know that you're here with the boys when they're hurt or scared because I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me I need to go be with them. That's you. You taught me how to be a good mom - I was made in your image.

Boy, was I made in your image. We butted heads a lot when I was younger. I kick myself for it now. You drove me crazy! And I know I drove you crazy too! But that's what we did. If I had only known that my time was limited with you...maybe I would have been more patient with things that I thought were trivial and time consuming? Who knows.

I know you know all of these things mom, because you were my best friend. My other half. My person. Even when we fought, I loved you. More than anyone or anything ever could. I always had this unwavering love for you. I needed you. I still need you.

Yes, I'm always sad that you're gone - but I've learned that sadness is selfish, at least in this case. You were sick and hurting, and I don't want that for you ever. Even if it meant one more day here with me. I know you're in a better place with Rose and Mater - I've finally accepted that.

But what I truly feel when this time comes around is guilt...and I haven't told anyone that. I'm sure you've figured it out by now. I feel guilty, Mom. Because you were always there for me. When I was sick or scared...you were there. That's what moms do. But when you were sick and scared two years ago...I wasn't there. When it was time for you to go, I wasn't there with you. I should have been. As your daughter, I should have been the one there with you to hold your hand, and tell you that it was ok if you wanted to let go now - that Pat and Chris and I would be ok because we're strong. Because we were made in your image. I wasn't. I had this gut feeling earlier in the day - I even texted Pat and told him that I thought something wasn't right. Every ounce of my body and every sign from the universe was telling me to stay, but my head made me leave....and then you were just...gone.

I remember coming to your house the next morning and holding your hand...and apologizing. God, I hope you heard that. Because I meant it...I still mean it. I am so sorry, Mom. You needed me more than anything and I was not there for you, and I am so so very sorry. I want you to know that. That I love you and I feel terrible for not being there with you, every day of my life. I am sorry for all the times we yelled and fought. I'm sorry for all the times I was ever difficult. I'm sorry that I couldn't give back everything to you that you gave to me.

My guilt will live with me forever...I know this because some mornings I wake up - this morning in particular - and it's the first feeling that courses through my body. But like all things, guilt is a phase. Most mornings I'm fine, and time heals all wounds...or so I've heard.

You should know though, that we are all fine mom, you don't have to worry about us. I figured out how to tell when hot dogs and lunch meat go bad without having to call Pat or Aunt Terrie...Sometimes I still have to call them and ask, just to make sure. You did such a good job raising us, even when we made mistakes or had bumps in the road you knew exactly how to help us through it. And look at us, we are all semi-functioning, well-adjusted adults.

So thank you mom - for teaching me how to sew, how to iron, how to cook. Thank you for teaching me that sometimes life throws you curve balls, but worrying about it isn't going to make it any better. Thank you for loving me at my best, and at my worst. Thank you for giving me all of the knowledge and power you knew I would need to succeed in my life.

But I think that the most important thing I could thank you for is this...Thank you for teaching me that love is always, no matter what, unconditional.

You will always be my best friend and my person. I love you, Mama. Unconditionally. Forever and always.
Love,
Your Baby Girl

Reflecting & Resolutions

Reflecting & Resolutions…

Tis that time again when I vow I will blog like I am supposed to, when New Year’s Resolutions are being made, and when we all realize that we probably shouldn’t have had that second slice of pie at Christmas dinner…It happens.

Well what a year you were 2012…you brought happiness and sorrow, life and death, and lots of Ben and Jerry’s. I survived and made it through in one piece although there were times where I literally thought I was going to crumble. Hell, I am always up for a challenge so bring on 2013, I say!

As for my New Year’s Resolutions…I thoroughly suck at making them, but I do have a few that have spawned from my life lessons of this past year.

1.      I will be a better mother. I will say yes more to my children and no more to the things around me. I will be a champion for their dreams and needs and I will make sure that I am available to them whenever they need me.

2.      I will be one hot Mama! I plan on getting on the healthier track and being an example for my children…Plus I’d like to get down a couple of dress sizes ;)

3.      I will be the wife I should be. I will make sure every day my husband knows how much he means to me.

Those are the bigger resolutions, of course there are the smaller ones like not eating as much junk food, looking both ways before crossing the street…you know…those kind.

Now I guess it is time for reflecting on my 2012…

My mother passed away. It just feels so unreal still and it’s very hard. I don’t care what anyone says to me, it has not gotten easier, I think it just becomes this strange ‘normal’ that I can’t describe. I miss her so much every day, and there have been several of those days when I needed to pick up the phone and call her and ask if the hot dogs in my fridge are still good, or if I should worry when one of the kids is running a 101.0 fever. Then of course I realize I can’t, and it’s a very bittersweet moment, because ultimately…I know the answers to those questions, because she taught me. She showed me how to be a good wife and mother and housekeeper, although that last one is still really hard for me to do with a full time job, three kids, a husband and a dog…but I’m getting there. She knew I would always need her, and so she knew she was teaching me the things I would need to know and remember. And while it didn’t seem like it when she was here, I was learning and remembering them, although not being able to physically hear her reassurance, I know she is here with me each and every day doing just that.

Ok. –insert ugly cry, deep breath, and recuperation here-

Happy time! We had Miles Parker! The newest addition to the Price Brigade! He is 6 months old now, good gravy, and he is a hoot. He’s cutting teeth and rolling over, and sitting up and just absorbing his world around him. It’s amazing. On the kid note, Fisher turned two, Jack turned seven, Badger turned one, and Sean and I turned Old. J We realized this when we went to the movies and to dinner when we had an all-night babysitter and then decided at like 9:00 to go pick up our kids and come home.

But hey, what can I say. We were meant to be parents, clearly.

Those are just a few of the things that happened in my 2012. There was SO much more that will come up as true hilarity and sadness and randomness in future blogs…which! Oh yeah, I forgot, my 4^th New Year’s Resolution…I will actively blog, for my mom. She LOVED reading my writing and I promised her that I would keep it up. So. I. Will.

Remember everyone – if you aren’t following me already on Twitter, YOU SHOULD BE @JackNFisherMom.

In the words of PhillyD “Love yo faces!”